Nobody Knows I'm a Dog

by Alan David Perkins

Copyright © 1995

 


Character Breakdown

 

PLATO - Male, teenager. Plato is a geeky, nerdy kid.
NADINE - Female, middle-aged housewife.
PHYLLIS - Male, 30's. Nondescript actor wannabe.
CHEESE - Male, 40's. The Curmudgeon of the group.
CUTIEPIE - Female, late 20's-early 30's. Not very attractive.
HORNDOG - Male, mid 30's. Not too smart, working class-type.

Act Breakdown

ACT I

 
Scene 1: Usenet Newsgroup. All six characters pass messages back and forth to each other. Each message takes place within an indeterminate period of time.
Scene 2: E-mail. The characters pass messages privately to each other. Each message still takes place within an indeterminate period of time.
Scene 3: Back to the Newsgroup.

ACT II

 
Scene 1: IRC (Internet Relay Chat) channel. It is in real time.
Scene 2: E-mail.
Scene 3: Newsgroup.

 


ACT I, SCENE 1

USENET

 

(Spot up on PHYLLIS. We se that he is a normal-looking male.)

PHYLLIS
Hello. I am young, attractive and in search of love, friendship and stimulating conversation in cyberspace. If you're interested in some hot chat, drop me an e-mail anytime. Philip.

 

(Spot fades down. Beat. Spot fades back up.)

PHYLLIS (cont'd)
Hello, everybody. I have come to believe that a number of people will manufacture different personas when communicating on the Internet to nourish the person they secretly wish they were. Does anyone have any thoughts on the subject? Signed, Hardbody.

 

(Spot fades down. Beat. Spot fades back up. PHYLLIS is a bit frustrated.)

PHYLLIS (cont'd)
Hi! I get the feeling that some of the people on the Internet aren't who they say they are. What do you think? Signed . . . (beat) Phyllis.

 

(Spots bump up on HORNDOG and CHEESE.)

HORNDOG
Hi, Phyllis! Welcome to the newsgroup!

CHEESE
It will be a pleasure conversing with you, Phyllis.

HORNDOG
Anything I can do, just drop me an E-mail.

CHEESE
I am always at your service, Phyllis.

HORNDOG
What do you do for a living, Phyllis?

CHEESE
What do you look like?

HORNDOG
How old are you?

CHEESE
Could we meet for coffee?

PHYLLIS
My my my. I'm amazed at the responses my posting has received! I'll do my best to answer each one of them privately. But, in the meantime, I'll give you a little personal information. I'm . . . (ponders) twenty eight years old . . . blonde . . . blue eyes . . . (thinks) five foot five . . . a hundred and . . . (thinks) thirty pounds. I'm currently employed as a . . . word processing operator . . .
(pause as he backspaces over the words)

. . . paralegal . . .
(pause as he backspaces over the words)

. . . secretary . . .
(pause as he backspaces over the words)

. . . LEGAL professional. I love . . . sports and going to the . . . opera. I'm still waiting for some response on my question. Hugs and kisses, Phyllis.

HORNDOG
Oh Phyllis - I'm in love! Can we meet face to face?

PHYLLIS
NO!

 

(Spots down on HORNDOG and CHEESE. Spot fades up slowly on NADINE as she types.)

NADINE
Hello. I'm kind of new at this. I guess you'd call me a "newbie." I never expected it would be so easy to log onto the Internet. In response to Phyllis' comment, I think she may have a point. Still, I feel that no matter how elaborately we manufacture an alter ego or online persona it will never vere too far from who we really are. I think we're unable to maintain even the most intricate facade because eventually our true self comes through. In other words, we're the same no matter who we become. Anyway, I just wanted to say 'hi' and help get the ball rolling. This whole Internet thing is very exciting. Nadine.

 

(Pause. Spot stays up on NADINE, but PLATO speaks in the dark.)

PLATO
(Voice Over) Dear Nadine: There's an ancient chinese proverb that states that a journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. And quoting Josia Gilbert Holland, "Joys divided are increased." Yours, Plato.

 

(Pause. Spot up on HORNDOG.)

HORNDOG
What the hell does that mean?

PLATO
(VO) It means I'm happy to make her acquaintance. You have a peculiar handle. Are you proud of being called "Horndog?" Does it accurately represent the real you or is it some ruse to make you appear how you wish you were? Then again, to quote William Hazlitt, "Life is the art of being well deceived."

HORNDOG
Does anyone know what this guy is talking about?

NADINE
Thank you for the response, Plato. It's almost frightening - answering a letter through a computer. I liked your quote by William Hazlitt. I have to say that I agree with it. We're always deceiving somebody. Maybe we're afraid of the truth? Or maybe it's just a guilt trip. Nadine.

 

(Spot begins to fade up on PLATO. We now see that he is in his mid-teens. Before he types he first rifles through a book of quotations that he diligently keeps at his side.)

PLATO
Dear Nadine: If you liked that one, how about this one: "We are never deceived; we deceive ourselves." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe.

NADINE
Dear Plato: That's very deep. I don't think I've ever thought about it that way. Why do you think this is so? Nadine.

HORNDOG
You know what I think? I think it's good, clean fun. I think people just like to pretend, you know? It's like make-believe. When I was a kid I always wanted to be a fireman. Now I'm a cook, but I still want to be a fireman.

NADINE
Then why isn't your online persona that of a Fireman?

HORNDOG
Who says it ain't? Just think about fires and hoses.

PHYLLIS
Horndog! That's disgusting!

HORNDOG
Some people like that, do you?

PHYLLIS
No, I don't.

NADINE
Neither do I.

 

(Spot up on CHEESE.)

CHEESE
Dear insipid morons: Now that we've introduced ourselves, how about getting a life. Some of us have more important things to do than exchange "hi's" and "how-do-you-do's." Only in this country can we take an invaluable tool like the Internet and reduce it to a smiley button. Get some lives. The Cheese.

PLATO
"Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." Welcome aboard, Cheese. Yours, Plato.

NADINE
Plato! That isn't very nice. You should apologize.

PLATO
P.G. Woodhouse writes: "It is a good rule in life never to apologize. The right sort of people do not want apologies, and the wrong sort take a mean advantage of them." Which are you, Mr. Cheese? Yours, Plato.

CHEESE
Dear Mr. Plato: It is I who should apologize - not for my rudeness but for assuming that you had a grain of intelligence. You're a loser, Plato - both online and in real life. The Cheese.

CUTIEPIE
(VO) Excuse me, Mr. Cheese, but if you dislike everybody here so much, why do you read the postings? Cutiepie.

CHEESE
Dear Ms. Cutiepie, in all humility and cordiality I pose the following questions: Who the hell are you, what do you want and what business is it of yours?

 

(Light fades up slowly on CUTIEPIE. She is not very attractive.)

CUTIEPIE
I'm just a person like you, Mr. Cheese. I want nothing. And it IS my business since this is a public forum. I think you're being unnecessarily hostile. Cutiepie.

CHEESE
My Dear Ms. Cutiepie: Hostility is never unnecessary. It takes all we can muster as humans NOT to kill each other a thousand times over. And what kind of an image do you wish to project by being called "Cutiepie?"

CUTIEPIE
You don't like it?

CHEESE
Let's just say that it probably reeks of the subject of the discussion. It's like when someone tells you they've fixed you up with a "nice girl." You start to wonder how fat she is.

HORNDOG
So, Cheese, does that mean you're really a rat?

CHEESE
It means, you neanderthal, that I am the master and ruler of my own life and domain. I am King. I am the Big Cheese.

CUTIEPIE
So I can assume you're aged and smell bad?

CHEESE
Ho ho, ha ha. I'm sure you think you're a wit. Too bad you're only half right.

HORNDOG
Hey Cutiepie! Don't let Cheese bother you. I like your name. Hey, how 'bout a profile?

CUTIEPIE
Dear Mr. Horndog: A profile at this time is not possible. Let's just say that I'm female, single and breathing. Cutiepie.

HORNDOG
Dear Cutiepie: I'll bet you're really a cutie-pie.

CHEESE
Dear Mr. Horndog: Please keep your hormones in check.

HORNDOG
Dear Cheese-head: Who the fuck asked you?!

CHEESE
Ah yes, Mr. Horndog. Your intelligence, or lack thereof, finally surfaces. I think you'll find nothing hidden with Mr. Horndog. Online and off he's probably a boor. Adoringly, The Cheese.

NADINE
Dear Mr. Cheese: I find your being judgmental very disturbing. I really wish you and Mr. Horndog wouldn't bicker. It's very unbecoming. Nadine.

PLATO
Jean Jacques Rousseau writes: "Do not judge, and you will never be mistaken." There's also a Native American proverb: "Don't judge any man until you have walked two moons in his moccasins." Yours, Plato.

NADINE
You're very wise, Plato.

HORNDOG
Dear Nadine: Duh.

CUTIEPIE
Dear Mr. Horndog: I want to assume that your crudeness is an act. For the sake of mankind I hope that you are both sensitive and intelligent. So if you can't say something nice . . .

CHEESE
Oh, God. It's Jimminy Fucking Cricket. Please, Cutiepie, we ARE, after all, adults.

PLATO
"To the mean all becomes mean." Nietzsche.

HORNDOG
Yo' Plato! What's your problem? The man's entitled to his opinion! Who died and made you smart?

NADINE
Dear Plato: I find you quite interesting. Do you mind if I ask your age? Nadine.

PLATO
To quote Katherine Hepburn; "Either you are interesting at any age or you are not. There is nothing particularly interesting about being old-or being young, for that matter." Yours, Plato.

CHEESE
Dear Ms. Nadine: Either you're very young, very naive or very stupid. Plato is obviously a child. Either that or some horny computer geek with a book of quotations who's never gone out on a date. The Cheese.

HORNDOG
Oh -- like you, Cheese?

CHEESE
Dear Mr. Horndog: Please purchase a jar of vaseline and a smut magazine and get yourself a hobby. The Cheese.

CUTIEPIE
Dear Cheese: Why do you pick on poor Plato? Horndog asks for it, but Plato is a nice man.

CHEESE
Dear Ms. Cutiepie: Because Plato is an insipid moron. The Cheese.

NADINE
I don't think Plato is a moron. I think he's rather sweet.

CUTIEPIE
So do I.

PHYLLIS
Me, too.

PLATO
Ladies, ladies, I appreciate your coming to my rescue, but I assure you that it is not necessary. I'm perfectly capable of defending myself against the wrath of our Mr. Cheese.

HORNDOG
Yo' Phyllis, how long have you been lurking?

PHYLLIS
Have I been? I guess I have. Not too long, I suppose.

NADINE
Dear All: Forgive my ignorance. What is "lurking?"

CUTIEPIE
Nadine: Lurking is when you read the conversations but don't participate.

CHEESE
My dear Nadine: Lurking is an act similar to spying. It's the direct sign of a coward.

PLATO
Dear Mr. Cheese: As Mark Twain once said; "The human race is a race of cowards, and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner." I'm sure Miss Phyllis will have plenty to say when she's ready. Yours, Plato.

CUTIEPIE
At least she isn't saying anything stupid. Right Cheese?

HORNDOG
Yeah, Cheese Man. Leave the girl alone.

CHEESE
Dear Mr. Horndog: Is that a threat? Should I be afraid of you?

HORNDOG
Dear Mr. Cheese: Yes, you should.

CHEESE
Once again, Mr. Horndog, your true nature surfaces. I suspect that in real life you are not in fact the boorish tough-guy you project online. No, in fact, I suspect that you are a coward -- a coward who has been picked on his entire life to the extent that he has one dream - to be the furthest thing from his true self: a bully.

HORNDOG
Dear Mr. Cheese: You don't know shit. I think you're an asshole. Bite my ass, motherfucker!

NADINE
Boys! The intellectual level of this conversation has fallen through the floor. We owe it to ourselves to behave like adults. Now, one more outburst and I'll make you go to your rooms.

HORNDOG
Yes, mommy.

CHEESE
Dear Nadine: Judging by the tone of your string of conversations I can now safely assume that you have children. My guess is that you're some middle-aged, bored housewife who's discovered her computer is a source for a little excitement to make up for the void in her ordinarily pointless and hum-drum existence by allowing her to pretend that she is a vixen, and a single one at that. I am right, am I not? The Cheese.

NADINE
Dear Mr. Cheese: Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not a housewife nor am I middle-aged. For all you know I may not even be a woman. But you, my judgmental friend, will never know. Love and kisses, Nadine.

PLATO
Dear Nadine: "One is not born a woman, one becomes one." Simone de Beauvoir.

NADINE
Thank you, Plato. That's very sweet.

HORNDOG
Hey Nadine, don't make me sick.

PHYLLIS
Dear Mr. Horndog: I don't exactly know what your problem is, but you could do with a little sweetness yourself. The fact that you have to hang out on the singles newsgroup on the Internet speaks for itself. We all have our problems and we all have our reasons for hiding behind our computer personas to socialize. But with your attitude you'll wind up doing worse than Mr. Cheese. Lighten up, dude. Try being friendly and a little sensitive to women. Maybe then one of them will go out with you. Remember, you can attract more bees with honey than vinegar. I'm no Plato, but you get the idea. Yours, Phyllis.

CHEESE
What do you mean "doing worse than Mr. Cheese?"

NADINE
Bravo, Phyllis.

CUTIEPIE
That was rather harsh, Phyllis, but necessary. Thank you.

CHEESE
Pardon me while I interrupt your nauseating praise of Ms. Phyllis's actually possessing a spine, but I demand you explain your overtly hostile crack deliberately pointed towards me.

NADINE
This is not about you, Cheese.

HORNDOG
Yeah. Mind your own business, dickhead.

PHYLLIS
Dear Cheese: I feel no explanation is necessary. You wake up with yourself every day and surely you know how unpleasant you are. Frankly, I wish you weren't on the newsgroup.

NADINE
Here, here.

HORNDOG
That's the best thing I've heard yet.

PLATO
The Dalai Lama says: "We live very close together. So, our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them."

CHEESE
Does this mean I am being evicted?

CUTIEPIE
No, not at all.

PHYLLIS
Speak for yourself. Take a walk, Cheese.

HORNDOG
The Cheese stands alone.

CHEESE
Fine. I don't need any of you. Consider me offline. Cordially, The Cheese. By the way: Fuck you all.

 

(Lights go down on CHEESE.)

HORNDOG
The Cheese is dead! Long live The Cheese!

NADINE
He was a grump. I'm glad he's offline.

CUTIEPIE
I think he was a sad man. We talk about online personas versus our real persona and we never thought about him.

HORNDOG
He was a dick. Good riddance.

CUTIEPIE
Something is making him angry. I feel bad for him.

NADINE
Plato, what do you think?

PLATO
"We never touch but at points." Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Blackout

 


SCENE 2

E-MAIL

 

(Lights up on CUTIEPIE.)

CUTIEPIE
Cheese? It's Cutiepie. I hope you don't mind my sending you a private E-mail, but I'm sad that you've left the newsgroup. I don't know why you're always so mad at everybody. If you want to talk to me I'll listen. Cutiepie.

 

(Light on CHEESE.)

CHEESE
Dear Ms. Cutiepie: I apologize for my brash behavior. I do tend to become consumed by my hostility from time to time. Please let everyone know that it was not personal. The Cheese.

CUTIEPIE
You were always personal. Why don't you like people?

CHEESE
The very notion that I do not like people is absurd. I resent that you even would mention it.

CUTIEPIE
Do you have any friends in real life?

CHEESE
What kind of question is that?

CUTIEPIE
I don't have many friends. I though maybe you didn't either.

CHEESE
People are morons. I have trouble talking to them.

CUTIEPIE
People are not morons. But I know that sometimes it's hard to relate. Just because they don't understand you doesn't mean that they're bad.

CHEESE
I would not hesitate to say that you have never met with an undeserved adversary.

CUTIEPIE
I would not hesitate to say that you shouldn't assume anything.

CHEESE
Oh?

 

(Lights down on CUTIEPIE and CHEESE and up on PLATO and NADINE.)

NADINE
Dear Plato: I wanted to send you a private E-mail because I think that you display a very mature and well-educated wisdom. Frankly, I find that fascinating and a little sexy. For that matter, don't think that I haven't noticed that you never tell about yourself. I'd like to know who you are in real life - your real name, your age, what you do, what you look like . . . It's okay, I don't bite. Nadine.

PLATO
Dear Nadine: William James said "The art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook." Yours, Plato.

NADINE
That's very nice, but for once could you not speak in quotes? I'd like to know who you really are? Are you a college professor? Do you have children?

PLATO
"Anybody who hates children and dogs can't be all bad" - W.C. Fields.

NADINE
I take it then you don't have children. And please, no quotes.

PLATO
No, I have no children, nor do I like them. They're all selfish and cruel. Children, teenagers in particular, are horrible creatures. Nobody should be allowed to assimilate into society until they're at least twenty-one or a college graduate.

NADINE
If you had one, maybe you would feel different about them.

PLATO
I take it you do? You seem to allude to them frequently.

NADINE
Maybe I do, maybe I don't. Maybe I want them and can't have them. Maybe I have them and don't like them.

PLATO
I assume there a reason for your ambiguity.

NADINE
So, what do you do? I'll bet you're some kind of english or philosophy professor.

PLATO
Alas, no. I . . . (beat) work with computers. And you?

NADINE
A question! Plato finally asks a question! I . . . (beat) am a writer. Yes, I am a writer.

PLATO
Does repeating it makes it so? What do you do, Nadine?

NADINE
I said I was a writer.

PLATO
I know, but you and I both know that is not true.

 

(Lights down on NADINE and PLATO, and up on HORNDOG and PHYLLIS.)

HORNDOG
Dear Phyllis: I kept a printout of your profile. You sound totally hot.

PHYLLIS
Thank you, Horndog. Right now I feel a little hot.

HORNDOG
You do! Is there any way we can meet face to face?

PHYLLIS
Are you always this aggressive?

HORNDOG
I'm coming on too strong, aren't I.

PHYLLIS
Yes, you are.

HORNDOG
I'm sorry. I just get so excited when a woman leaves me E-mail. Women don't talk to me too much in real life, and when they do it's usually to get me in bed.

PHYLLIS
Oh. Look, Horndog, I think that's more than I need to know.

HORNDOG
No, no, you don't understand. I'm a good-looking guy! I'm just not gifted in the brain department, so I try to hang around with people who are and they treat me like I'm stupid. Lots of smart people hang out on the Internet, so I figure I'll hang out on the Internet too! You sound pretty smart. Are you smart?

PHYLLIS
Sometimes I don't think so. Right now I don't think so.

HORNDOG
That's too bad. You sound smart. So, what do you like in a guy? I know it's kind of a personal question, but I got nothing to loose.

PHYLLIS
Oh my. In a man. I really don't know. It depends on the individual. What do you look for in a woman?

HORNDOG
It depends on the individual. See? I told you that you was smart. What do I look for in a woman? Well, she's gotta be smart - just like you! And she's gotta be good-looking - just like you!

PHYLLIS
Is that it?

HORNDOG
Oh, she's gotta like me. I find that attractive in a woman.

 

(Lights down on PHYLLIS and HORNDOG and up on CHEESE and CUTIEPIE.)

CHEESE
I recall a cartoon I once saw in The New Yorker. There was a dog typing away at a computer, and the caption had the dog saying: "On the Internet, nobody knows you're a dog."

CUTIEPIE
I like that.

CHEESE
It's very poignant. I think it represents the majority of people on the Net.

CUTIEPIE
People like us.

CHEESE
Perhaps people like us.

CUTIEPIE
You don't think you're attractive?

CHEESE
If I did would I have to resort to the Internet to socialize?

CUTIEPIE
Beauty is in the mind, Cheese. If you don't believe you're beautiful, how will anyone else?

CHEESE
Ah, but that's not true. Here on the Internet I'm Mel Gibson.

CUTIEPIE
More like Mel Brooks. You make yourself very ugly.

CHEESE
I suppose that it's not the best image that I've projected in my only social outlet.

CUTIEPIE
Then if this is your only social outlet, why are you so mean?

CHEESE
BECAUSE it IS my only social outlet.

 

(Lights down on CUTIEPIE and CHEESE and up on NADINE and PLATO.)

NADINE
You sound very sexy. What are you wearing?

PLATO
Dearest Nadine, please check your spelling. Apparently you inadvertently asked what I was wearing.

NADINE
I was. What are you wearing?

PLATO
Right now?

NADINE
Yes. Tell me what you're wearing right now. You can tell a lot about a man by what he wears.

 

(PLATO picks up a copy of GQ magazine and rifles through it.)

PLATO
Well . . . I'm wearing a freshly pressed Van Heussen white shirt, a Nicole Miller necktie, khaki dockers and Bass Bucks.

NADINE
Hmmm. You sound very classy and very handsome. Do you want to hear what I'm wearing?

PLATO
. . . sure . . .

NADINE
I'm wearing a sheer, black silk teddy with red lace panties and black fishnet stockings. Does that excite you, Plato?

PLATO
. . . yes . . .

NADINE
What would you like to do, Plato?

PLATO
DO?!

 

(Lights down on PLATO and NADINE and up on CHEESE and CUTIEPIE.)

CHEESE
Since nobody knows you're a dog, do you have dog-like qualities?

CUTIEPIE
I would have to say "yes." I think we all do.

CHEESE
I know that frequently I'm not what people feel comfortable around.

CUTIEPIE
You'll have to do better than that, Cheese. Why would people not feel comfortable around you? Do you make them feel ill at ease?

CHEESE
I fear that I do, but I don't exactly know how I do it. I tend to rub people the wrong way.

CUTIEPIE
But right now it's just you and me. You're not rubbing me the wrong way.

CHEESE
Don't worry. I will.

CUTIEPIE
You will with that attitude. Let's try an experiment. In this experiment, nothing you do or say will rub me the wrong way.

CHEESE
It sound great in theory. We both know that in reality it won't work.

CUTIEPIE
Do you want it to work? Or are you one of those types who want people to dislike them? You know, when you act badly and treat people poorly, it ruins all of your excuses.

CHEESE
Excuses for what?

CUTIEPIE
Excuses for being alone. It officially becomes your fault.

 

(Lights down on CHEESE and CUTIEPIE and up on PHYLLIS and HORNDOG.)

PHYLLIS
You can be the most handsome man in the world, but if you come across with an attitude like that, nobody will want to go out with you.

HORNDOG
I don't think I have what most women want.

PHYLLIS
And what's that?

HORNDOG
If I knew, I'd do something about it.

PHYLLIS
And you don't think it's your attitude?

HORNDOG
What's wrong with my attitude?!

PHYLLIS
You come across like a pig.

HORNDOG
But you know better, right?

PHYLLIS
I think you're a pig, too.

HORNDOG
And what makes me a pig?

PHYLLIS
You're too interested in yourself to care about the person you're talking to or their feelings. You focus on superficial things like appearance. You have a terribly inflated ego.

HORNDOG
(In a different, more serious tone) Does that make you feel threatened?

PHYLLIS
Threatened? In what way?

HORNDOG
(Still in a serious tone) Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do you now distrust me?

PHYLLIS
Horndog? Are you the same person who began this string? Those questions don't seem like you.

 

(Lights down on PHYLLIS and HORNDOG and up on PLATO and NADINE.)

PLATO
Why Mrs. Robinson, I do believe you're trying to seduce me.

NADINE
I thought we agreed - no more quotes?

PLATO
Nadine, I think there are some things about me you should know.

NADINE
The only things I want to know is what you'd like to do to me. Would you like to kiss me?

PLATO
Nadine, I can't believe we're having this conversation.

NADINE
Tell me, Plato. Would you like to kiss me?

PLATO
Yes.

NADINE
Then go ahead. Kiss me.

 

(Lights down on NADINE only.)

PLATO
Dear Mr. Horndog: I know you and I are not on the best of terms, but I have a problem that I think you can help me with. Situation urgent. Plato.

 

(Lights up on HORNDOG.)

HORNDOG
Yeah, Plato ol' pal! Whas'sup?

PLATO
Thank you for your response. I'm having problems with a woman.

HORNDOG
No shit? Who'da thunk. Tell me bud, what's the problem?

PLATO
I feel as though I'm being seduced.

HORNDOG
Congratulations. Now, what's the problem?

PLATO
That IS the problem. I'm being seduced online. She keeps telling me what she's wearing and asks what I'm wearing. She wants me to kiss her.

HORNDOG
You lucky bastard. She wants to have cybersex with you.

PLATO
Look, Mr. Horndog, I know for someone of your ilk this may be normal, but I've never . . . I don't know how . . . I'm not sure . . . I just don't know what to do.

HORNDOG
Plato, relax. Let the ol' Horndog help ya. We'll be like that french guy with the big honker -- Cyrano the Beeswax. The girl wants you to basically talk dirty to her. Go through the motions without actually being in the same room. Some folks get off on it. When it's good it can get pretty hot.

PLATO
So what do I do being that she wants me to kiss her? I can't very well kiss her through the computer. And it's Cyrano de Bergerac, not Beeswax.

HORNDOG
Describe kissing her. Be poetic - you're good with that shit. Find a steamy novel and recite your favorite passage.

PLATO
It seems so . . . perverse.

HORNDOG
Yeah. It's the best!

 

(Lights down on HORNDOG and back up on NADINE. PLATO rifles through his stuff until he finds a romance novel. He searches for a passage and reads lifelessly -- as though he's reading a stereo manual.)

PLATO
From the tips of your dainty fingers my lips caress each inch of your creamy skin, rising inch by inch as I reach the nape of your smooth, delicate neck. I can see your lips quiver with antici... (turns page) ...pation as I nibble on the lobe of your left ear. Finally, I pull you close as I press hard with my lips against yours. I can feel the softness of them against mine and the warmth of your breath.

NADINE
Oh. Oh my. Oh God. Take me, Plato. Take me.

 

(Lights down fast on NADINE and up on HORNDOG again.)

PLATO
Oh my God, Horndog, it worked. She wants me to take her.

HORNDOG
Hot damn! Some guys have all the luck.

PLATO
But it feels so . . . dirty.

HORNDOG
You'll learn to love it when you're a little older.

PLATO
I beg your pardon, Mr. Horndog. What is the insinuation of "when you're a little older?"

HORNDOG
You're a kid, aren't you.

PLATO
I feel you have misjudged me, Mr. Horndog.

HORNDOG
How old are you? Thirteen? Fifteen?

PLATO
Sixteen. How did you find out?

HORNDOG
In your case, it was easy. You try too hard to sound old. Besides, only a kid would have this much trouble with cybersex.

PLATO
Please, Mr. Horndog, don't let anyone know. I'll do anything.

HORNDOG
Your secret is safe with me. Hopefully someday you can return the favor.

PLATO
Thank you. I am forever in your debt. So, what do I do now?

HORNDOG
Stall. It'll get Nadine going.

PLATO
NADINE?! How did you know . . . ?!

HORNDOG
I know a lot of things.

 

(Lights down on HORNDOG and up on NADINE.)

PLATO
No. Not yet. I'm not ready.

NADINE
Then allow me to get you ready.

 

(Lights down on NADINE and PLATO and up on CHEESE and CUTIEPIE.)

CHEESE
So what's your excuse? You seem quite nice. Why do you choose to hide behind an obvious ruse of an online persona?

CUTIEPIE
Between you and me, I'm not too pleasing on the eye.

CHEESE
Now Cutiepie, if you went by your own given requisites for beauty, I would think that you were quite attractive. It radiates from you.

CUTIEPIE
Why Mr. Cheese, do I detect actual kindness?

CHEESE
Let's keep this our little secret, shall we?

CUTIEPIE
Do you have a scanner? I'd love to see a picture of you.

CHEESE
I as well would like a picture. I live in New York City. Where are you from?

CUTIEPIE
Boston. That's not too far. Maybe we could visit each other some day.

CHEESE
That would be good. I travel to Boston frequently with my job. I work as a Social Worker. I have some clients in Boston whom I see about every two weeks.

CUTIEPIE
'Got your picture. You're a rather handsome rogue. Nicer than what I expected.

CHEESE
I received your photo as well. Horndog is right. You really are a cutiepie.

CUTIEPIE
Please don't tease me.

CHEESE
I would never tease you. I'll be in Boston this weekend. May I take you out to dinner?

CUTIEPIE
Yes.

 

(Lights down on CUTIEPIE and CHEESE and up on PHYLLIS and HORNDOG.)

PHYLLIS
Dear Mr. Horndog: Though I am flattered by your continuous and seemingly relentless advances, I must now formally ask you to cease and desist from further harassment.

HORNDOG
Are you a lawyer?

PHYLLIS
No, but I work in a Law Firm, remember?

HORNDOG
Tell me, Phyllis, why would you say you're a woman on a singles newsgroup on the Internet if you didn't want men to talk to you?

PHYLLIS
I never "said" I was a woman. I AM a woman.

HORNDOG
Lots of times men will pretend to be women because they're not too interesting and nobody talks to them. But if they pretend they're a babe, everyone wants to talk to them. Guys on the Net tend to be pretty horny.

PHYLLIS
Are you insinuating that I'm not who I say I am?

HORNDOG
Baby, nobody is who they say they are.

PHYLLIS
I assure you that I am a woman.

HORNDOG
Fine. I assure you that I'm a parakeet.

PHYLLIS
No you're not.

HORNDOG
How do you know? Meet me in person and we'll both find out who each other really is.

PHYLLIS
I have to get back to you on this.

Blackout

 


SCENE 3

USENET

 

(Lights up on all except CHEESE.)

CUTIEPIE
Hello, everybody. Within the discussion of who we are in real life as opposed to who we are online, I want you all to know that I had dinner with Cheese this weekend. Unlike the person he presents online, he's actually quite sweet and quite charming. We may have judged him too harshly. Cutiepie.

PHYLLIS
Cheese was a jerk. He behaved like a child. Phyllis.

NADINE
So, tell us about the date! Nadine.

PLATO
I have two for you: Leon Trotsky said "An ally has to be watched just like an enemy." Or, as Woody Allen says: "The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep."

CUTIEPIE
Come on, give the Cheese a chance. We had a delightful time. He's so nice once you get beyond all the pain. He hasn't had it easy. Being nasty was just his way of keeping everyone at bay. He didn't want to be hurt.

NADINE
There are better ways to do that. We all have pain, Cutiepie. We were never deserving of his wrath. Face it, the man was downright rude.

CUTIEPIE
But he's different now. Please let him back.

PLATO
"Life is a slate where all our sins are written; from time to time we rub the sponge of repentance over it so we can begin sinning again." George Sand.

HORNDOG
Come on, Plato. Be a guy. Forgive the dude.

PHYLLIS
I say we take a vote.

NADINE
Is the Internet ready for democracy?

PLATO
John Dryden says: "The most may err as grossly as the few." I'm in. Plato.

PHYLLIS
Fine. All in favor of the Cheese coming back? I vote "yes."

CUTIEPIE
I vote "yes."

HORNDOG
Sure. Why not. Let the dude back.

PLATO
Gandhi said: "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Let the Cheese return.

NADINE
Only if he behaves.

CUTIEPIE
Thank you. Thank you, all of you.

 

(Lights back up on CHEESE.)

CHEESE
Yes. I'm sorry I was so harsh and judgmental. You all have been quite decent to me and I returned your decency with hostility. I agree that was wrong and I'm sorry. No hard feelings, and I hope that we can all become friends. Sincerely, the Cheese.

PHYLLIS
Wow! Cutiepie, you must worked wonders on him. He sounds like a new man.

CUTIEPIE
He is a new man, Phyllis. Like all of us, he's alone. That can be tough sometimes.

HORNDOG
Yo! Welcome back, Cheese! I hear that you and Cutiepie are a real item.

CHEESE
An item? Yes, I suppose we would be considered an "item." We had a lovely date, true. She really is a lovely person.

NADINE
Who would have thought it. Congratulations, Cutiepie and Cheese.

CUTIEPIE
Thanks, Nadine. It's a little scary. I really have never dated much. And, as a Social Worker he only gets to come to Boston every two weeks.

HORNDOG
Hey, I got a great idea! Why don't we all meet on an IRC channel?

NADINE
Again, forgive my ignorance. What is an IRC channel?

PLATO
IRC stands for Internet Relay Chat. It's a part of the Internet where we can actually converse in real time. Someone creates a channel and we all log on to it at the same time, thus allowing us to converse. What you type goes out immediately to all others logged on to that channel.

NADINE
It sounds exciting! Seems a lot better than having to wait a day for responses. I'm in.

CUTIEPIE
IRC? I'd love to have an IRC session!

CHEESE
Name the time and place.

HORNDOG
Yo, Phyllis! We haven't heard from you yet. Are you in or out?

PHYLLIS
Dear Horndog: I'm in. Lord knows why, but I'm in.

NADINE
Dear Phyllis: Don't worry, dear. We're all your friends here.

HORNDOG
How about this Saturday at eleven o'clock Eastern time. That's eight o'clock for the west coasters.

NADINE
Plato? Are you in?

PLATO
Saturday is a busy day for me. I might not be able to be there.

CUTIEPIE
Aw, come on Plato! Don't be a party pooper!

NADINE
Plato, if you're not there I'll find you and drag you online by your ears.

HORNDOG
Come on, Plato. You owe me.

PLATO
Fine. Fine. Eleven o'clock Eastern Standard Time. And what shall we call this channel?

NADINE
How about "Plato?"

CUTIEPIE
Great! "Plato" it is! See you all this Saturday night!

PHYLLIS
Great! I'll be there!

CHEESE
We'll be live this Saturday.

NADINE
You won't be sorry, Plato.

HORNDOG
This is gonna be fun. See you there.

 

(Lights go down on HORNDOG only.)

PLATO
Dear Nadine, Cutiepie, Cheese and Phyllis: I don't know if you've noticed this or not but there's something about Horndog I don't exactly trust. He seems to know more than he lets on. Be wary of any questions he asks and, more importantly, be wary of any accusations he makes. He's told me a few things in private that struck some uncomfortable nerves. Yours, Plato.

PHYLLIS
Dear Plato -- carbon copy to Cutiepie, Cheese and Nadine: I know what you mean. He seems like a jerk but then he starts figuring you out. I don't think he is representing himself honestly.

 

(Lights fade out on PHYLLIS, CHEESE and CUTIEPIE, but remain upon PLATO and NADINE.)

NADINE
Dear Plato: Be on the IRC channel fifteen minutes early.

PLATO
My dear Nadine, I don't know if that will be possible.

NADINE
I said be there fifteen minutes early. No excuses.

PLATO
Yes, ma'am.

Blackout.

* END OF ACT 1 *

 


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